Horizontal violence in midwifery....

Well, here goes, a serious post. My experience referred to here has finally settled enough in my brain for me to dissect and analyse all the places it led me to over the ensuing weeks. Horizontal violence in midwifery is something that we who work in this crazy profession have all heard of, and I anticipate, have all seen. It is encompassed by judgement of each other, suspicion of practices we are not used to and anyone who sits out of the box even a little bit has probably experienced. But, it isn't even just those who sit outside of one box that feel it.... It is all of us, cause we can't quite sit in every box.

So, if you are a direct entry midwife you can't sit in the nurse first box. If you do homebirths only, you can't sit in the hospital supporting midwife box. If you don't do home births, you can't sit in the home birth midwife box. If you look after VBAC's, some midwives will view you with disdain: If you don't others will call you uncommitted. If you work with obstetric staff, you may be viewed as a traitor, and if you don't, a dangerous cowboy. We are, quite literally, damned if we do, and damned if we don't do ANYTHING.

So, midwives, what are you? The catch cry of the late eighties and early nineties in New Zealand midwifery was "A midwife is a midwife is a midwife" and at the end of the 2006 NZCOM conference we called out the same cry. Whether you work in a hospital or out, in homes or in specialist areas, we are all the same, we cry. So, why, when I go to a birth in hospital, and roll my birth ball down the hall to my Mama, do I get rolling eyes, and sighs, and feel judged? Why when I tell my old colleagues on the PN ward that my lady has flattish nipples, but a strong commitment to breast feeding, do I feel myself thinking "not that you will actually help". And why when another midwife ends up in the newspapers, do we all jump on the "well I would have..." bandwagon?

In her post on WHO's a midwife NG asks what makes a midwife... and in asking those questions, she sparks me to thinking... Am I a midwife? I don't do what Barb does... I work in a completely different system, and some of her comments are as alien to me as computer language! And Agatha routinely forces me to remember that we have a different reality to each other, even though we are doing the same job. And yes, on the good old SMS we have banged heads over issues that we see differently. I hope that Agatha knows that I hold her in high esteem, despite our occassional differences of opinion. In fact, it is SMS that most makes me aware of the very real and continuous issue of horizontal violence in this industry: It comes up all the time, with students abused and confidence destroyed over and over again by overbearing, mean midwife mentors.

Why do we eat our young? This question was asked in an article I read a few years ago, and midwives were exhorted to stop doing it, to support the up and coming new midwives... and yet, as a "new" midwife, I still feel like I am at least being tenderised on a semi regular basis. But it is not just me: staff midwives bag indy's, Indy's bag staffies and at the end of the day, WOMEN SUFFER. It tires me, it hurts me and it makes me want to cry.

So, if anyone has any idea of WHY we do this, let me know.... I want to avoid it!

Over it.

Why should I listen to you?
What exactly do you have to offer me,
that I can't get from myself?
honestly, what?

I am done, and sick
and tired and just plain
OVER IT'
Stop talking at me, and try hearing me!

You are my friend
be my friend
stop telling me
start hugging me

Please.

Home birth and other things

Well, I have now caught two babies in their homes, and I am more committed than ever to the beauty and wonder that is homebirth. It rocks. Life has not been the most wonderful thing ever in my home of late. BA has been having some personal stuff, and I want to take a moment to tell her I love her, just cause this is my blog, and I can. The Mad Rocker, also known as my OH, was made redundant unexpectedly last month, along with beginning my post grad study. Slowly. And on the work front, I have had a difficult run of breastfeeding problems and the like to distract me from the wonderful world of the internet.

I am very happy to announce that I am officially on holiday (well, sort of, I have no babies due now till May, so have very little work to do!) and will be heading off to the bottom of the North Island for a rest and recuperation period. REALLY looking forward to that.

So, for a momentary commentary on how I realised that I really am a midwife now. I was called to a birth, just as I was eating my lunch. I finished my sandwich and dashed to second time Mum's house upon hearing that she was "doing stuff" from her very excited sister. That would not normally be enough to drag me from my food, as any who know me are surely aware of. But, I had a feeling. So I went, and quickly. this was a planned hospital birth, and when I arrived at Mum's home, I quickly realised we were nearing "now or never" transfer time. So I asked if I could do an examination to determine that my gut was telling me the truth. Upon VE, Mum was six cm's dilated, with a nice low head and a very buttery cervix. This from about an hours worth of good contractions. I told Mum it was go now, or have a baby at home. She decided to have a baby at home.

As it played out, that was a very good call. I had a second midwife on the way, but the baby couldn't even wait for that, and withing half an hour of my announcement to mum, she was pushing. Spontaneous rupture of membranes occurred, revealing thick meconium liqour. Bugger. vertex was already visible, so no time to change plans now. I quickly manoeuvred my Oxygen and suction bulb just a bit closer, and poised to catch a beautiful squirming boy child. Who proceeded to Not Breathe. Noone else there, purpling baby boy, meconium everywhere...... Double Bugger.

Thankfully a bit of suction and some free flow oxygen were enough to get him to gasp, and further stimulation got a cry. But seriously, I knew what had to be done, and did it, but GODDESS I did not like it! I am glad we were at home. I am glad I had all my supplies easily reachable. But I do not want to do that again! The second midwife arrived moments after the placenta delivered by maternal effort.

But, I am a Midwife now, because Mum and dad had no inkling of my heart palpitations. They knew baby needed some help to get going, as I explained it all to them as I went. But they felt calm and trusted me to do what needed doing, and I did not panic or run away: so I am a midwife. I was with woman, and did my job, despite my desire to be anywhere else in the world but there!

As to my earlier comments on horizontal violence in midwifery. I am building a little list, which I anticipate being done with in the next few days. It links in to recent posts by Barb about midwifery education. so watch this space, more to follow soon!

And another thought...

So, the other day I had a really hard birth, with a long latent phase, augmentation, slow progress, and finally a "crash" section for fetal distress. I am not going to discuss that birth here, as I am not ready yet. Suffice to say, I sought help at appropriate times, but the help I got made my life much more difficult. But it raised something else which I do want to process.

Horizontal violence is often discussed in midwifery, but I realised during that birth that it is alive and well. The backbiting and sniping that can be associated with attacking others practice is painful and not at all helpful to anyone. So, although i don't have time to go there now, I will be following up this issue soon.

On another note, remember my domestic violence posts? Imagine my surprise when I picked up the local paper only to see that the "man" in that case is there on the front page, in court on charges after assaulting (allegedly) two couples on the beach front in the last two weeks... one of the victims required brain surgery for her head injuries. But, of course, he wasn't a violent man.

Books.......

I got sent this, and thought, well, okay then. So, if you are reading this too, have a go at your own blog!

Instructions:

Look at the list of books below. Bold the ones you’ve read. Itilacize the ones you want to read. Leave blank the ones you aren’t interested in.

Movies don’t count!!!!! (K. - Damn.)



The DaVinci Code (Dan Brown)
Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
To Kill a Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
Gone With the Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery)
Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)
A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling) Fall on Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald)
The Stand (Stephen King)
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Rowling)
Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
The Hobbit (Tolkien)
The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (C.S. Lewis)
East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)
Dune (Frank Herbert)
The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
1984 (George Orwell)
The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
The Kite Runner (Kaled Hosseini)
Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
The Five People You Meet in Heaven (Mitch Albom)
The Bible -- Yes i used to do regular bible studies... what ever happened to me!
Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)
Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)
Great Expectations (Dickens)
The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)
The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrey Niffenegger)
Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
War and Peace (Tolstoy)
Interview with the Vampire (Anne Rice)
Fifth Business (Robertson Davis)
One Hundred Years of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (Ann Brashares)
Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
Les Miserables (Hugo)
The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding)
Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
Shogun (James Clavell)
The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)
The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
The Summer Tree (Guy Gravriel Kay)
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
The World According to Garp (John Irving)
The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)
Not Wanted on the Voyage (Timothy Finley)
Of Mice and Men (Steinbeck)
Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
Emma (Jane Austen)
Watership Down (Richard Adams)
Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
Blindness (Jose Saramago)
Kane and Able (Jeffrey Archer)
In the Skin of a Lion (Ondaatje)
Lord of the Flies (Golding)
The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton)
White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
Ulysses (James Joyce)

seeking self

Are you in there?
I used to be so in touch with you
Used to hear your voice everywhere I went
Used to believe everything you said to me

Where did you go?
I know I am busier these days,
And not listening as hard….
But I find myself sitting in the silence, wishing I could hear you

Is it that you think I don’t need you?
Cause, I really do.
I am not the way people think I am
Not so sure of myself as I seem

How can I reconnect with you?
I really want to catch up.
I want to hear what you think of me now…
Want to see where you think I am headed

Can you tell that I am scared of you?
You are my truest reflection
Of what I truly am, and what you say
Could shatter my world if it is not what I expect

You force me to take notice,
Show me what is really there.
I know you are really just a part of me
But, goddess, I need your truth.

Post graduate study?

So, I am heading back to uni. I have enrolled to do my honours and will be studying parttime for the next two years to achieve this. I must be mental! But I love the learning almost as much as I love the work. So back to it I go. But the process of applying, and deciding on course structure has raised some stuff for me. I was not a good student in high school. I dropped out, pregnant, at sixteen. I then worked in a series of completely shite jobs, getting nowhere fast.

I never imagined a time when I would be a university student, let alone a graduate with a degree. Post graduate study wasn't even on my radar! And, now that I am doing it, I have this wierd am I getting above myself and pushing to high feeling in the pit of my stomach. Who the hell am I to think that research I might do could be of interest let alone benefit to others? I was the woman I now want to study!

I am constantly surprised by the realisation that I am an educated and intellient person. This is quickly followed by the question "how the hell did they not realise how shit I am?" I really honestly expected to fail out of my degree at every stage. And now, going into post grad studies, I feel the same way, like I am asking to fail spectacularly at something that really matters to me. Friends tell me constantly that I am "uber smart" and other such bollocks, and to me, it is like when ssomeone tells me I have lost weight or look good... the auto denial is right there.

Goddess, this is rambling... my point. In my heart and in my honest moments, I know I am good at this job. I know the stuff I need to know to practice safely and smartly. I am not scared to integrate others knowledge and other ways of knowing into my practice. I am fully and wholly committed to what I do, and if I didn't believe I could do it, I wouldn't do it. But, still I have these masses of self doubt and feelings of being a fraud... Is that just what women do to ourselves? Is that why we birth in the hospital but want a natural birth? Cause we know we can do it, but doubt it anyway?

I am confused. I am scared. And yet, I am excited.