On miscarriage

I aways struggle with miscarriage. I have a client who is 12 weeks and having a bleed at present. She may or may not stay pregnant, and there is little I can do for her aside from asking the Goddess to walk beside her. Since I qualified, my experience of miscarriage has been minimal, and I am never quite sure how to position mysef: Matter of fact caregiver? Caring confidante? Understanding ear?

For some women, miscarriage is sad, but not overwhelming. For others, it is the beginning of a lifetimes grief and mourning for a lost soul. For some it is a blip on the radar, a signal to "try again" and for others a devestating blow. And predicting what it will be to which woman is a joke!

I have a practice of sending a rememberance card to women who experience a loss while I am caring for them. I am never a hundred percent sure whether it is the right thing to do or not, though. My own miscarriages were not traumatic for me: I was lucky enough to require no medical treatment, and passed my lost babies with minimal pain or fuss. To be honest, as none of my pregnancy's were ever planned, I always just thought of it as the Goddess sorting things, and was never particularly upset. But I have friends and family members who have been devestated by early pregnancy loss, of both planned and unplanned babies.

So, what is the appropriate tone to strike? A woman who feels as I did, is confused at best by a message of sorrow. I remember thinking, "Wow, I am a horrible person for not being upset by this!" when a friend wrapped me in an embrace saying "I know how hard this is". For me, it wasn't hard. But I know one of my close friends felt the exact opposite, saying "noone seemed to care" when describing her devestation at losing her much loved, unplanned baby at 9 weeks.

So what do others in this wierd world of midwifery do? what about Mum's who have lost their babies? How should I approach this?

It feels so cold and clinical to say things like "we have to wait and see" and "Not finding a heartbeat at this stage is commmon, so it doesn't meant there isn't one."
Anyone with ideas on this, please, share them with me!