Post graduate study?

So, I am heading back to uni. I have enrolled to do my honours and will be studying parttime for the next two years to achieve this. I must be mental! But I love the learning almost as much as I love the work. So back to it I go. But the process of applying, and deciding on course structure has raised some stuff for me. I was not a good student in high school. I dropped out, pregnant, at sixteen. I then worked in a series of completely shite jobs, getting nowhere fast.

I never imagined a time when I would be a university student, let alone a graduate with a degree. Post graduate study wasn't even on my radar! And, now that I am doing it, I have this wierd am I getting above myself and pushing to high feeling in the pit of my stomach. Who the hell am I to think that research I might do could be of interest let alone benefit to others? I was the woman I now want to study!

I am constantly surprised by the realisation that I am an educated and intellient person. This is quickly followed by the question "how the hell did they not realise how shit I am?" I really honestly expected to fail out of my degree at every stage. And now, going into post grad studies, I feel the same way, like I am asking to fail spectacularly at something that really matters to me. Friends tell me constantly that I am "uber smart" and other such bollocks, and to me, it is like when ssomeone tells me I have lost weight or look good... the auto denial is right there.

Goddess, this is rambling... my point. In my heart and in my honest moments, I know I am good at this job. I know the stuff I need to know to practice safely and smartly. I am not scared to integrate others knowledge and other ways of knowing into my practice. I am fully and wholly committed to what I do, and if I didn't believe I could do it, I wouldn't do it. But, still I have these masses of self doubt and feelings of being a fraud... Is that just what women do to ourselves? Is that why we birth in the hospital but want a natural birth? Cause we know we can do it, but doubt it anyway?

I am confused. I am scared. And yet, I am excited.