thoughts.....

I have had a nasty cold all week, and not done much of anything other than think because of it. Thoughts about miscarriage, engendered by this woman's story which resulted in a horrible hospital experience including a D&C and a severe reaction to anaesthetic, and the case of the unexplained cervical clamp. Her treatment in the hospital, while not unusual, was so distressing for me, as I heard it in more detail that usual, due to our friendship. I wanted to go in there and demand to know why they left her in a corridor while she bled, with her three year old on her lap. I know why: I worked there long enough: they had no beds, they are oversubscribed, cases are dealt with by level of urgency. But where is the humanity in this system of "care"?

Thoughts about boundaries, as an online friend experienced first hand the repercussions of sharing birth on the Internet. The Internet has become our friend, our close companion in so many ways. midwives on the Internet inform me, question me, cause me to question myself, and are so much a part of my reflection/ Which I believe to be an integral part of midwifery... the story, the tale, the learning, the searching, that comes only from sharing our knowledge, our fears, our concerns and our triumphs. the fact that this sharing can now take place on an international level, on a world wide forum, accessible to all, in some way's is such a blessing. But in others, oh how open it leaves us to criticism, to heartache, to possible litigation.

This friend, a midwife, shared a story, with the full permission of the woman involved and her partner. It was a story which drew much attention within it's forum, and engendered much useful informative discussion. But someone, uncaring of it's benefits, saw fit to print out this story and show it to colleagues, who disagreed with the midwife's comments about a staff member involved peripherally in care. This someone knowingly took this learning story, and shared it with the staff at the very hospital where the midwife works. This someone joined in witch hunt against the midwife who wrote the story, although all of us who commented had been equally shocked by the staff members actions.

As a result, the Midwife who told the story is shunned. Although anonymity of the woman and the second practitioner remain inviolate, the midwife is named and shamed in the tried and true way we see so often. Midwifery, eating it's young, again.

So where are the boundaries of anonymity? Changing names, dates and salient details? Changing the location of occurrences? And what happens if you change the story so much, it becomes someone else's story, recognisable to them, even though you do not even know them? How do we use the Internet safely as a learning tool, a reflecting tool and still protect those involved? does a dangerous practitioner deserve protection? Does an uncaring practitioner deserve the respect they do not offer the women in their care? ah, so many thoughts.

Thoughts on being a Mum to a teenager (or two, as I now am). How do I strike the correct balance, between loving supportive mother, and provider of structure, discipline and guidance? Should I really let her go out dressed like that? Am I proud of her for dumping a boy for being a pot head, or horrified that she knows a pothead?

Thoughts on being a wife, when I am not married. I fulfill the role of wife, by most definitions, but have no ring, no piece of paper. Most days, i would rather die than have the ring, or the paper. But other days, I worry.... what if something happens to him, and no one listens to me? I am the one he has told his wishes, his expectations of his death. What rights does the woman who loves the man, but has no proof of it, have? Is that what it feels like to be gay and is that why they want legal marriage rights? I have always supported that fight, but now, I think, I begin to understand why they want it! (They what a word, the wrong word, but there is no other word, and so I use the word, despite it's inherent wrongness).

Thoughts on wanting to learn a new skill, not related to my work. I want to learn to play the guitar, I want to join the rest of my family in being able to create music. But I am scared that I won't be any good. Sad.

Thoughts on all sorts of crazy things, roiling continuously in my brain, and not making any sense, in there, or on here!